"...Secretary of Partying Down!"

Call me an ignorant asshole, but I fucking love John Ashcroft. Yes, the man who sang about eagles and freedom and such in Fahrenheit 9/11. Yes, the man who supposedly thought calico cats are a sign of the devil (which turned out to be a vicious, vicious lie). Mr. Ashcroft hasn’t been in the headlines from quite some time, and as this is my first post, I felt it necessary to shine some more light on this true American.

Sure, I could take the easy way out of this post and mention all of Mr. Ashcroft’s political shortcomings and embarrassing failures. But that’s just not my style baby. I need to set a nice, pleasant precedent for my posts and that is why I am going to tell you why Jonathon David Ashcroft is a fucking party animal.

Here is a short list of why Johnny Boy is going to be at the top of my next party list:

• Was part of a barbershop quartet that featured Larry Craig and Trent Lott. Can you imagine the backstage parties? I’m going to assume that Zima was on the rider.

• He is a ladies’ man. And definitely not gay. Definitely not. This quote just proves my point: “Women in the workforce have become so prevalent that a man’s role has been reduced to a sperm donor.”

• He is just straight-up B.A. He single-handedly saved our puny asses from terrorism. I mean, he told the Prez in 2004, “The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved.” When’s the last time you saved the stars and bars?

Although none of us may ever meet this American hero, I think we can find comfort in this picture of him made up entirely of pornstars.

Keep reachin' for the stars!