Seeing how my posting of Pentecostal neo-cons wasn’t passable bait for my co-authors, I will have to fall in line and post about films. Although my knowledge of the subject is substandard at best (“this movie has John Travolta AND Nick Cage?”), nothing cheers me up like a horrible movie. The kind of movie that is so oblivious to its flaws that it can‘t possibly do wrong. A movie that can barely be edited correctly because (a) it has a scarce amount of money devoted to post-production, or (b) the editor can’t possibly watch another scene from the movie and seppukus the shit out of himself.
Okay so let’s look at three of said movies, shall we?
Clifford (1994). Ok, this movie isn’t THAT bad, but I figured when am I ever going to write about this treasure during my life? “Clifford” is about a young spoiled boy (Martin Short) who aims to make everyone’s life a living hell if they get between him and his beloved Dinosaur World. Dinosaur World is essentially a Dino-themed amusement park that resembles Jurassic Park if it were created by Steven Spielberg’s non-union Mexican equivalent. Anyway, the film features some genuinely funny dialogue between Charles Grodin (what casting!) and Short and also includes a nice pedophile joke featuring Grodin and a fat, pubescent boy.
I suppose this movie is considered bad due to the fact that every character in this movie sans Short is incredibly boring. Chuck Grodin stumbles into a few funny moments, but comes off as a big knob for a majority of the film. Also, for a movie that is directed at young kids, it seems to teach its audience that if you’re a big enough cunt as a kid, you can probably get what you want. Not that I’m ever a fan of morals and such in movies, but come on guys.
Independence Day (1996). The movie that introduced me to gentle and intricate art of summer “blockbuster” marketing. As a 12 year old, I was defenseless against this movie. I mean how could you not be? Aliens, global destruction, the small possibility of seeing boobs (which sadly did not come to fruition), The Fresh Prince, fighter planes, Alistair Hennessey (or Dr. Ian Malcolm, whatever you prefer), Cousin Eddie, and of course, William Pullman as the President of the US of A.
Ah yes, Billy Pullman. The heartthrob. The leader. The rock. In the event that our planet faced certain death and destruction, I think most would be forever grateful that the leader of the Free World had this kind of intuition: “I saw...its thoughts. I saw what they're planning to do. They're like locusts. They're moving from planet to planet...their whole civilization. After they've consumed every natural resource they move on...and we're next. Nuke 'em. Let's nuke the bastards.”
And who doesn’t remember the waterworks in the theatre during the speech that hearkened back to FDR’s first inaugural address?
In the end, The Fly manages to figure out that our super advanced extra terrestrial counterparts use Macbooks and gives them a computer virus that kills them all. Cough. But this can obviously be forgiven due to Pullman’s performance and that god damn speech. I still can’t get over it!
Oh God, I can’t hide it anymore, this film is timeless. I have to press on before the tears come again.
Troll 2 (1990). Seeing how the only people that are reading this already know about the magic of Troll 2, I could just post a picture of Sheriff Gene Freak, laugh hardily, and be done with it. But I couldn’t do that to something of this magnitude.
If you haven’t seen Troll 2, consider yourself the luckiest person in the world, because you will soon be able to introduce yourself to a whole new perspective on mankind’s existence after just one viewing of this film.
Troll 2 is centered around a young protagonist named Joshua. We are introduced to him in his bedroom with his Grandpa telling a horrific and grotesque story of Goblins and beautiful women. But get this: the old dude is fucking dead. Like shit the bed, man. So just 3 minutes in, we know we’re in for quite a ride.
I don’t want to give away any jokes, but Joshua’s sister, Holly, has quite the on-screen presence. Holly answers to no one. Not even her parents, Michael and Diana. She swears in front of her parents, toys with the thought of orgies, and is a proud anorexic.
Eventually, somehow, the family ends up switching houses with a nice wholesome family from a small town called Nilbog. Although they communicate with softballs and short clauses, they are definitely human and normal.
Without giving too much away, Joshua skateboards around town, getting into all kind of mischief while taking after his anorexic sister by not eating any of the delicious food the town has prepared for him. He doesn’t even take food from town hottie Creedence Leonore Gielgud.
Oh Creedence.
Creedence is a slut. There are no two ways about it. She’s just a whore. She uses cylindrical-shaped food during sex, has sporadic orgasms throughout the movie where she wails uncontrollably, and she even considers getting with young and “appetizing” Holly.
But in the end, everyone somehow comes together in Nilbog and there are a few random explosions and lunch sandwiches and apples. Oh yeah, did I mention there are trolls? Oh wait, I forgot, goblins.
So there you have it. Now you kind of have to trash all of your movies and start your DVD collection all over again. Sorry.
